Monday

Yesterday was fairly successful only because I decided to haul my lard to the gym last minute before my dance rehearsal. Prior to that, I consumed a whopping 1127 calories (terrible.) the most shocking thing is about half if them came from snacking! About 500 of those calories consist of chocolate and jellybean s... shameless sugar addict. If I could cut them out entirely I would be down to about 600 per day!!

Sounds like a challenge ;)

My fitness pal

Lol @ me and my fatness. Going to start uploading a picture timeline, snarky remarks are encouraged !! puncture this bubble body with enough sharp words and just maybe it will deflate 20 pounds thinner.

In other news, got the my fitness pal app for the iPhone. Loves it except for how it places the lowest daily intake at 1200 ... but it does include precise nutritional info on Starbucks entire menu so that's an A in my books.

Getting real now. Restricting to 900, max. I'll maintain that for 3 days and then weigh myself, and change intake accordingly.

-xo Cali

Largeness

2 pieces of toast with butter and jam-300
1/2 yogurt and fruits-60
Chocolate chip muffin-400

Only 2:00. It's bad. I to hire someone who will routinely smack me before I make all these impulse buys.

On the other hand I've got a long walk trudging through a foot of snow to get to an hour of yoga class. There's also a David's tea nearby though I've got to stop spending all this money

...
Ooh stomach cramps. Must be from the indulgently excessive amounts of sugar and carbs from the muffin and toast combined. I hope they get worse- good incentive to think before I grab again!

Conflicts

I'm so torn. I love university. I'm at my best and happiest when I'm here. As cliche as it is, there are always things to do, places to go, people to meet. That shrouded emptiness inside my heads is replaced with constant buzzing- creating and rearranging mental agendas, schedules, priorities. To a slightly greater degree, I feel significant.

But then there's the hunger.

I don't get hungry at home, ever. It's because I'm a useless being, just a thing made up of billions and billions of atoms. I exist, but I don't live and therefore I'm not hungry.
Now, I eat. far. too. much.

The university ever so kindly provides the nutritional information for all the shit I cram into my body, so that I can know precisely how uncontrollably wretched my self control is.

2 small peaches- 100 calories
1 brown pear- 55 calories
1 garden petita- 175
cinnamon oatmeal bar- 150
caramel macciato- 120
salad- 60 (??) its hard to know for sure this one.
spanikopita casserol- 440 
^ just about shat myself when I saw this. ONE tiny square made up of some flakey pastry shit and with spinach and cheese filling. Deceptive son of a bitch. Lesson learnt. Never touching anything from the vegetarian section again unless I KNOW the nutritional facts coming in.
lemon square- 200

total: 1300

bad, but not as bad as I thought it would be. There's always room for improvement. Truthfully, aside from eating I've been fairly happy with myself. I think that my mindset is definitely improving and I know I can push myself to do better. I'll post again tomorrow!

Slipped

Weighed myself at the gym. 123 pounds. 123 fucking pounds.

There used to be a comfortable gap when i wore workout shorts. The gap is now filled with thigh flesh. Thick, chunky flesh.

Christ.

edit: burned about 600 calories at the gym- one hour on the track and 30 minutes on the elliptical.

Escape

Get me out of this body. I want to transcend the physical world and drift lazily somewhere in between dead and alive. Comfortably snug in my thin skeletal shape. Allow myself to break free and become a goddess. I believe it, It CAN happen. As each pound drops off and disappears into oblivion, my soul will become stronger, vibrant, alive, resilient. If I can gain control over the substances that enter and weld into my body like sick lumps I will be powerful. It's so worth it.
I'm nothing but a pawn now but I will become a queen

♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙

INTAKE: 
- pepperoni stick- 60
- pancake- 200
- cantaloupe- 120

so far: approx. 380

I REALLY want this to be my only meal of the day ... we'll have to put my evasive skills to the test during dinner time and see ;)

large

I abhor her. She's lazy, unmotivated, and slow. She wears too much makeup and still can't even achieve a vague imitation of the person she wants to be. She dreams in vivid colour but her world is monochromatic. She's fat. It coats her stomach, legs, arms, and piles up on her face. Every syllable is accompanied with a synchronized cheek jiggle. Fat wraps around her throat like a wreath of holy.

I hate her. I hate this. I will change.