Conflicts

I'm so torn. I love university. I'm at my best and happiest when I'm here. As cliche as it is, there are always things to do, places to go, people to meet. That shrouded emptiness inside my heads is replaced with constant buzzing- creating and rearranging mental agendas, schedules, priorities. To a slightly greater degree, I feel significant.

But then there's the hunger.

I don't get hungry at home, ever. It's because I'm a useless being, just a thing made up of billions and billions of atoms. I exist, but I don't live and therefore I'm not hungry.
Now, I eat. far. too. much.

The university ever so kindly provides the nutritional information for all the shit I cram into my body, so that I can know precisely how uncontrollably wretched my self control is.

2 small peaches- 100 calories
1 brown pear- 55 calories
1 garden petita- 175
cinnamon oatmeal bar- 150
caramel macciato- 120
salad- 60 (??) its hard to know for sure this one.
spanikopita casserol- 440 
^ just about shat myself when I saw this. ONE tiny square made up of some flakey pastry shit and with spinach and cheese filling. Deceptive son of a bitch. Lesson learnt. Never touching anything from the vegetarian section again unless I KNOW the nutritional facts coming in.
lemon square- 200

total: 1300

bad, but not as bad as I thought it would be. There's always room for improvement. Truthfully, aside from eating I've been fairly happy with myself. I think that my mindset is definitely improving and I know I can push myself to do better. I'll post again tomorrow!

Slipped

Weighed myself at the gym. 123 pounds. 123 fucking pounds.

There used to be a comfortable gap when i wore workout shorts. The gap is now filled with thigh flesh. Thick, chunky flesh.

Christ.

edit: burned about 600 calories at the gym- one hour on the track and 30 minutes on the elliptical.

Escape

Get me out of this body. I want to transcend the physical world and drift lazily somewhere in between dead and alive. Comfortably snug in my thin skeletal shape. Allow myself to break free and become a goddess. I believe it, It CAN happen. As each pound drops off and disappears into oblivion, my soul will become stronger, vibrant, alive, resilient. If I can gain control over the substances that enter and weld into my body like sick lumps I will be powerful. It's so worth it.
I'm nothing but a pawn now but I will become a queen

♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙♙

INTAKE: 
- pepperoni stick- 60
- pancake- 200
- cantaloupe- 120

so far: approx. 380

I REALLY want this to be my only meal of the day ... we'll have to put my evasive skills to the test during dinner time and see ;)